Some things i just dun understand..
There are some things i just don't understand..
There are some things in life where you just cannot understand.. You have so many questions to ask, but you just cannot find the answers to life.. What the future brings you.. What life brings you.. What loves brings you.. I don't understand why life hits me hard in the places where don't want it to.. I was minding my own business doing my own thing.. I never had any intentions or showed liking towards anyone.. Almost all the guys whom i talk to is like 'wazzap lah brudda' They treat me like i'm one of them and i don't care.. That was what i lived my life as.. For all these years.. Until this year.. I think i may have done some bad stuff to someone in my previous life or something.. Maybe i rejected his love and then he committed suicide or something..
I always thought that people come together when they think they share the same interest, treat each other like buddies.. But you make that person that you are with special.. No doubt you treat the person like buddy, you know that in your heart that person has a special place and you feel that you can 'connect' with him/her.. In what way you may ask.. This can be in any way.. Maybe u are just attracted to the way she talks to you, the way she treats you, the way you both share the same things.. These are the things that make you happy when you are in a relationship. But there are also some who always fight and can't stand the sight of each other but they end up being in the relationship.. Its really funny how the heart works.. Well I just want to say how i think unfair love is in my life.. I was in a relationship that brought me naturally to like a person.. I honestly only liked him in the beginning.. We both would die for soccer (not literally) and we shared other common interests.. We were both die hard Man Utd fans and would ditch each other to watch games.. haha.. ok for that moment lah..
Well everything was fine.. That's what i thought.. Okay those who know me know that i don't say things if i don't mean it.. Well.. I never told him 'i love you' at the beginning.. Because i didn't.. Truly i still only saw him as a friend.. Until the start of the 2nd month I started to feel that he became special.. I would miss talking to him.. Long to hear his voice.. Go online just to see if he's there and talk to him.. And its like.. whatever i do wherever i am.. At the back of my head he's there.. As in i'm thinking of him all the time.. I never asked him if he felt that way towards me but i did.. And when i felt that i was, that was the time i told him that 'i love you' and i really meant what i said.. I always felt like a girl when i was around him.. Though i may have not portrayed it in that way.. like wear a dress when we go out.. i sort of had that 'girl' feeling in me.. Thinking that there was someone who liked me for who i am and that person really don't mind being like that.. I would never change myself for someone.. NEVER...
I appreciate things he told me.. Though i don't know a single thing about computers and applications and softwares.. I still listen and take interest in what he tells me.. I felt happy thinking that i could share these kinda stuff with him.. Okay i'm saying this only once.. Yes i know it sounds dumb, but i would talk to thin air.. OMG.. When i'm in my room.. I would be like 'yea so you know Man Utd power lah.. i think they will win the season'.. then i would reply to myself thinking what he would say.. i would go 'yea of course we have the upper hand of winning'.. This all sounds weird because these are things i wouldn't do.. I would always want to be with him.. And care for him.. And just be there for him.. Like you know when you don't know what to do or where to go.. You have someone there who has your back.. Someone who trusts you and someone who cares for you.. I really felt all these things for him..
Just as i thought that he was thinking the same.. Things had to take a painful turn.. He said that he felt like he was dating a friend.. He felt like he was dating a buddy kinda thing.. Yes initially that was what i also thought.. Not till my like for him turned into love.. Well.. if you didn't feel that you liked me then you could have just told me.. Not after i started loving you.. You know how hard it is to change the love you have for someone.. No matter what they do you know that you love this person.. Its like your mum loves you.. You do something bad and shameful they still love you that's why they accept you back again.. That's how it feels.. Sometimes i just wish i can turn back time.. Love the person who loves you more.. Not the person whom you love more.. That's what i believe.. And i thought that the feelings i had for him would be the same like he had for me.. But things are just so unfair don't you think.. When you want to love the person and give them everything and share everything.. They come and tell you that they don't feel the same.. It hurts.. Really hurts.. Till now i don't know what's so wrong in loving someone who don't love you.. Because you really cannot change the way you feel for that person.. Ya you may say that you are just wasting your time trying to make the person love you.. No i'm not trying to make the person love me.. i just want to show my love to that person.. i don't expect anything in return..
Well.. I think that's how life is.. Full of mysteries.. Now i'm scared to fall in love because i don't know if i can love someone again willing to share everything and then the person says that he don't feel the same.. I rather be shattered once than twice..
You will never know if you never give it a try.. well that's what someone told me when i was in this.. And look at what happen.. We'll just go back to my normal way of living.. Apparently love don't last long in my life..
